This one started somewhere near the question of whether you can feel your blood moving through you right now — and ended up in the ocean.

I trace a memory of watching my children play in cold water without a care in the world, and the slow, inch-by-inch negotiation I had with myself to finally get in. The feet were fine. The calves were fine. The knees were fine. The belly was starting to think, oh, this is kind of neat. And still the mind held out, labeling the edge — that thin line where air meets water, where wet meets dry — as wrong, unwelcome, too much.

What I find there: that the edge is where a lot of the charge lives. The edge of a forest. The edge of a knife. The shoreline. The moment of getting in.

Along the way: a grandfather’s zipper joke, teenage sleepovers and 7-Eleven runs, the comfort of hot tubs and hours in a bathtub, the question of whether any of this has something to do with being born — and the math of how we each arrived here at all: two, four, eight, sixteen, all the way to this extraordinary ordinary now.

“Every time I come to these recordings, it’s like sitting down to a blank canvas. I never know what’s gonna fall out.”

Behind My Curtain arrives when it arrives. This one arrived at 2am.

The spoken telling is the heart of this — below is an accurate, readable rendition of the audio. Grammar, punctuation, and style are in service of the voice, not the other way around.

If you enjoy this offering,
support can be made here.
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Hello… hello…

It's me. It's me with you. It’s we I see. I feel it’s we. I feel the we in me.

I sure have come to enjoy the feel of life that thrums through my body. My entire body feels like, like it's flickering in and out of this, time space reality. Like, like the ones and zeros, perhaps, of, of the binary realm in which these vocal soundings are being translated for you.

The one, the one thing that each of us is, the one thing in which each of us exists, the one thing that each of us is made of, and the no thing, the nothing from which we came, the nothing from which we return between the coming, the arriving, the leaving, being home and the being away.

It was so surprising and delightful yesterday. After recording in the chill of the 4 to 5 a.m. morning, while listening back yesterday, I looked up the temperature, and was told that it was 9 degrees Celsius outside the van. And I had the windows closed yesterday. Today, they're open.

It feels a little cooler, feels a little cooler.

“Well, hello, truck.” Some of the vehicles these days are very interesting in their rumbliness.

Ah, yes, those words were well chosen.

The forecast for this evening was to be another 9 degrees Celsius, and we might be nearing that now. It's a little after 2 a.m. this time.

This being awake in the middle of the night has typically occurred after following, arriving here through not having been asleep. The quality of being a night owl is one I learned well and fully, deeply as a teenager. Yeah, I loved staying up late. Love, love, love.

I loved those sleepovers with friends where we would stay up and watch movies and play games, and evolve into creatures that roamed the dark hours, who, who went to 7-Eleven and other all-night confectioners of sweets and treats. My taste for Slurpees and chips and liquorice and all sorts of goodies seemed to know no bounds back then. And perhaps even now, all these decades later, the bounds of when to say no to a snack is still elusive.

And that is so okay.

In your moment right now, in your now, in your ahhhh breathing it in and out, can you feel the life moving through you? If you pause just for a moment, if it's safe to pause just for a moment, where you are, can you feel what might be your blood moving through your veins and arteries, through your capillary byways?

Does the shimmer of your being elicit a mix of awe and, “Well, that's just me, this is just me being alive right here?”

There's a part of me that knows the answer is yes even if that knowledge is hidden if that knowledge is sleeping in you.

The, the chill that was last night, wondered about before being allowed into my skin’s being, before being allowed into my uncovered form as I lie here, van-land bound in sound… the temperature that a mere night ago caused pause, was, is felt, and lounged in tonight.

For 10 years and a bit, I lived on a small island in the harbour of this city. The first time for five years, and the second time for five years and five months. My two children spent a good deal of their childhood on that island. And it being a small island, one we could walk around on the streets that were there, gravel covered with care, there were a wide variety of beaches, and ocean viewpoints, many of them good for swimming.

As an adult, as a parent, for several of their first children years, that fear of the cold, that hesitation to engage with temperatures that I labelled as cold, that I labelled as unwelcome, that I labelled as “Why would anyone want to spend any time in this whole range of temperature...” that reticence saw me not go in the water very often.

I might wade in with my feet up until my calves. I would lie down in the sun, but often, hmm… In this remembering here, now with you, I recognize that, that often I chose to label temperatures as being too hot. And I didn't want to be in those temperatures either.

I didn't allow enjoyment.

There was certainly a Goldilocks range of temperature-based conditions. There is, I'm sure, still.

And, and I remember one time seeing my children and the other children playing in the ocean, and there seems to be an age in children, an age range in children, where they just seem so, so slight, so light, like… I remember that age in myself in which there wasn't a lot of body fat to keep our young forms from feeling the cold.

And I watched my children playing in the ocean, seemingly without a care in the world for what I was calling, what I was labelling, what I was defining so rigidly as the cold ocean water. The operative word, the defining characteristic, of the watery realm, was cold. Not refreshing. Not inviting. Not “Oh, my goodness, wouldn't... of course, it's gonna be so fantastic in there.” With the heat of the sun, in the dry realms, and the, the refreshing coolness of the ocean… “Oh, of course, it's gonna be so… it must be, it is, it surely can be magical, and completely ordinary, and so full of feeling.”

It feels like there was one particular instance when I saw my children playing in the water and not seeming to be negatively affected by the temperature of it, even though they didn't have these layers of fat, of protective skin of blubber to keep them warm. There they were, slight, mostly skin and bones.

I remember when I was their age my grandfather had this joke. Oh, my goodness, my mom's dad had this joke… it'd be like, “Stand sideways and stick out your tongue.” And inside, I'd kind of groan, I mean, like, “Grandpa, really?”

“Come on, stand sideways and stick out your tongue.” And so, I would humour him, and inside, perhaps, perhaps even part of me was thrilled that I was chosen to, to take part in this, this completely silly, and, and groan-worthy, I'm going to say that too, and playful illustration.

“Stand sideways and stick out your tongue. Look, look, he looks like a zipper.”

I was so thin. Healthy as can be, and yet my ribs showed. Playful as a bee, and yet my ribs showed. And I, too, played in the water without care of the temperature, for, to me it was allowed.

Whatever it was in its lapping wetness, whatever it was in its salty splashingness was such a delicious combination with the sand and sun.

And so when I saw one day my children, and the other children, in their skin and bones, no blubber, no protection, from the labels I had so staunchly placed on swimming in the wild, I thought, “Okay, if they can do it, if they can splash and play and swim and frolic in these waters without the protection that a seal and a whale has, then I, I must be able to do it, too. I must be able to enjoy going for a swim, too.”

So, I got up off the towel, and I walked into the water, and the common coolness that my feet had many a time experienced, that slightly wave washing water that was so often allowed to come up over my ankles and calves, and be welcome, was allowed to climb up over my knees.

And in fairness to the me that was back then in that moment… in fairness and in… the word frustration was found in mind here now, and paused upon in regard to sharing it…

Did I feel frustrated with myself back then? Do I feel frustrated with my, with my back then self, right now? No. No, this now’s me feels no, no shame, no guilt, no pointing a finger.

This now’s me is light, and shimmery still in body, thinking of that day.

It wouldn't surprise me, and I think the story I told myself afterwards, the story I told others afterwards, is that I took 45 minutes to get in the water. I'm pretty sure I didn't take that long. And at the same time, it may have felt like it.

Just letting myself go in another inch more into the water, let it climb up my body, just that inch more, and then it gets to that point where it's, like, mid thigh. And there's a sensitivity of, of back of leg, there's a sensitivity of inner leg, especially when it nears the joining of leg and torso point when it nears that tender centre of us.

It feels, it felt… it's almost like I'm there again now.

It felt so cold.

In the mind, my mind was like, “Why would I want to go more into this? Why?”

And I kept moving deeper, and deeper until the water was over those private areas, when the water was over and up to my belly button, and the slowness of the progression of me into what still I was labelling as cold, as uncomfortable, in some regards, as I achingly inched my way into deeper waters, and had the, the, that freezing edge, climb, up, up over bottom ribs, over sternum, up to my armpits in, gack!

It seemed… there was so much resistance in me to let myself enjoy what was already well acclimatized.

The feet and the calves and the knees, and the bum, and the belly, by this point, were already thinking, “Oh, wow, it's kind of neat down here. Oh, this is, this is really interesting.” And there was no allowance of that acknowledgement while the cold edge, the cold, crisp, top of the sea claimed me.

It's so interesting.

There's something about, there's something about that top part of the water that seems to be speaking to me here now.

The edge. The point of, the point wherein the water seems to begin, and the point where water, and air, water, and sky, water, and where cool and hot gathered, that was the tricky part, that was the tricky place, that was the place wherein my focus was, that was the place wherein, where in so much difficulty was gathering in my mind.

And then at some point, I finished the act, and just kind of grit my teeth, and braced myself, and I went fully under the water, and, I'm sure, that within a fraction of a second, I went from, “Oh my God, is this the worst thing ever,” to “Ooooh, oh my goodness, this is so, this is so delicious. This is so incredible.”

Fallicking frolicking, swimming, swirling, twisting, turning, my mammalian self was so happy, so unconcerned with this thing called temperature.

So, immensely, immeasurably filled with delight.

If you're, if you're there and you're now thinking “This girl's crackers. This girl agonized over something that is nothing,” I'm going to agree… I agree completely, and at the same time, I was in the body, I was in the mind that wasn't ready to agree, and, for whatever reasons, decided to hold on to, to not being ready to enjoy it, until I did.

I don't remember how long I swam and played and, phewww, and relaxed in letting myself love swimming in the ocean. I don't remember how long I stayed. I know, though, that the next time I went in the water, I recognized, and I still felt, the seemingly still immense discomfort in that edge area of the water, where air and water met.

As that part crept up my body, or rushed up my body… as I walked in quickly, and dove in quickly, there was and still is a feeling of, “I don't like this. I don't understand…”

Maybe that's, maybe…

Oh, I wonder if that's part of it. It's, there's a, there's some… it's like, it's like, I don't understand something, like, it doesn't make sense to me that the, that the, the parts of me that aren't wet, in the parts of me that are wet, and that, that middle place between the two… it's uncomfortable.

So, jumping in, or diving in, or entering water quickly, even at a swimming pool, when I'm, when I'm honest, like, I enjoy being right now, the getting in part still has firmly fixed labels of, “I don't like this. This is an uncomfortable part.”

If I could skip this getting in part and just be in, or just be out, that would be so lovely. That would be, like, sign me up.

But we can't do that, can we? At least I, I haven't... I don't think they've figured out Star Trek teleportation, science yet.

Wouldn't that be the thing? “Hey, let's go swimming. I'm not getting in the pool, though, I'm gonna have them teleport me from, from being in this air part to being in the water.”

Oh, my goodness.

The edge is, the edge is, uh, is a, a vibrant life. Mmm, it's a place that that seems to carry more charge.

Apparently, the edge of a forest is a part of the forest that is so full, of varieties of animals and creatures. The edge of the forest where ocean meets land… the edge of a knife… the boundary between this and that.

That's where a lot of the action is. That's where a lot of what's going on is doing its, being its, on-ness, off-ness, it's in-ness, it's out-ness.

Since the, since that day when I finally got in the water and learned how to play again, learned how to pass through that edge, I've gone in, I've gone in cold waters far more often.

And, and I'm perhaps seeing differently for the first time… perhaps I'm merely acknowledging more fully, that, that the edge in regard to swimming is still, and seemingly has never really changed, in that, it's uncomfortable.

I'm, I'm letting myself, here now, say that I'm still holding on in some regards to labelling that type of experience, that part of the experience of getting into water, that I label as cold in my mind, as being uncomfortable.

When it comes to water that I don't label as cold in my mind, oh, I don't even think twice about the edge.

I don't think twice about the getting in and the getting out of, well, I guess I probably think twice about getting out of it, because if I label the water as warm, then I, I want in it, I want to be in it. I want to be submerged in it.

I've spent, I've spent hours and hours and hours in hot tubs, in bathtubs.

To this day, I enjoy spending hours in a bathtub.

Getting into water that I label as warm in my mind is easy peasy, and to this day, getting into water that I label as cold in my mind, is effort full, is, consciously, more difficult, consciously, unliked, unloved, and there are parts of me that wish I could just teleport into being fully wet.

It's so weird, and very refreshing to say that out loud.

It feels really weird.

And I could, in some respects, sharing this feeling with you, sharing this feeling with with myself(?), it feels... I don't use the word vulnerable very often, but I have in the last couple days, and I... there's, there's… I feel vulnerable.

Moving through that edge of not being in water and being in water.

I wonder if it's got anything to do with the act of being born.

It seems completely natural that I would think that thought right now, and yet at the same time, it's like, “Where did that come… where… how did that come into my mind?”

We, we, there we are, all of us, every single one of us as human beings began in the warm, in that liquid, safe, sheltered space of, of womb, in our mothers.

We began in the interior spaces of both of our parents.

Half of our DNA was in the warm genitals of our fathers, and half of our DNA was in the warm interiors of our mothers. And in that warm space of, of, vulva, of, of woman, did man enter, and for us each to be here, the warmth of one met the warmth of another in that welcoming warmth, that welcome aliveness, wherein we then, two halves, became one.

In a time span, seemingly measurable, and hmmm, maybe slippery so, 2 halves of each of us became one, and then two, four, eight, 16, 32,64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, and on, and on, and on, we multiplied, divided, multiplied, divided, multiplied, divided, multiplied.

It's incredible that we're here.

It is… this thing we are experiencing, this life we're experiencing… my now, your now, is extra ordinary.

It's on some level, as ordinary and as un remarkable, as… and at the same time, it's extra. It's, “Wow. Holy guacamole.”

All the things that had to go right for you and I to be here right now, for us to be alive in this fashion, in this capacity.

It's no wonder, it's no wonder that concepts of God, concepts of some power, some knowledge, some capacity that is beyond understanding, exists.

Hmmm, well dear one, it's kind of timely that this tale of water and edges came up 'cause I'm gonna go for a swim today.

I really wanted to go yesterday* because I haven't been in the water since last Wednesday night, and now it's the wee hours of Monday, and there's a bit of a… there's a bit of a stink to me, a delicious stink.

There's a readiness in me to be clean and to be washed, and, and I'm intrigued… I'm interested, I'm open and inviting in… I'm excited to invite in more awareness as I maneuver between dry and wet, when I get to the pool.

Showers, they, I guess maybe, I guess, the, the quickness within, which I go from dry to wet, when it comes to the shower… and it's typically me transitioning from being dry into a warm shower, it's not as difficult, and, here, now, I'm also recognizing that, that even that transition from dry to wet, even that transition into a warm shower, there's this passing throughness that has always carried a label of, “I don't like this part.”

It'll be interesting to see how I feel in the moment, in those moments when I enter the shower, in those moments when I leave the shower, in those moments of entering the pool and leaving the pool, entering the cold pool and leaving the cold pool, entering the hot tub and leaving the hot tub.

It'll be interesting. I'm looking forward to, to paying a little more attention to what's happening in my mental, emotional and physical realms.

Hmm. Fun.

Well, maybe we'll talk about that next time, but who knows? I certainly don't.

Every time I come to these recordings, it's like opening up a blank page. It's like putting down, sitting down to a blank canvas, a blank piece of paper… I never know what's gonna fall out.

And I've come to love that, to look forward to it.

My thoughts, my me-ness, is with you right now, consciously, and I, as a mirror of you and you as a mirror of me, we're together.

We're together, here, now.
This now.
This now.
Much love,

Emma

* Though there was an event at the pool I like to frequent, that prevented me from accessing cleansing waters, I could have gone to another pool, or gone into the ocean. And I didn’t. Coming to enjoy the scent of my mammalianness, is another story in itself :)

If you’ve enjoyed this offering,
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If you enjoy this offering, support can be made here.
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hi
hello
it’s me
it’s me in this morning
it’s me with you here in your now

oh wait, right now it’s here in my now
oh wait, it’s also here in our now

yeah
once again, once again i’m, i’m fascinated
in a, what feels like a child like way
like, it’s my now right here
as i’m sending vibratory frequencies of sound
from my vocal cords
to the microphone in this phone lying on my chest

and at the same time
whenever and wherever you are right now listening to this
this here is your now as well

there’s something really delightful in that for me
and i hope for you too and
and it’s interesting that i’m allowed to let go of that hope
i’m allowed to to let you think it’s not delightful
i’m not sure why you wouldn’t but that’s not for me
that’s not for me to worry about either

part of me didn’t want to
begin and do a recording right now
part of me is afraid of the cold
afraid of
the less than ideal warmth
whatever that is
my body, my body really likes like 22 degrees celsius
my
22 to 23 degrees celsius
is a really lovely temperature for my body

i recognize that
i’ve recognized that 
when a room i’m in
when a space i’m in
when a space this body seems to be filling
with its space
is around that temperature
i just feel so at ease
i can have
i feel comfortable having light clothing on

i’m not exactly sure what the temperature is out here
in vanland
i’m gonna guess it’s more like
i’m gonna guess it’s more like 16 or 17 degrees Celsius*
i might be being generous

to some that might be the perfect temperature
you might be there in your now thinking
Oh, oh i love that temperature
that’s when i feel most alive
that’s when i like to be bundled up in my favourite comfy sweater and pyjama pants
or sweatpants or...

hmm
the parts of me
the part of me
the aspects of me that were hesitant
to roll the covers down
so that phone can lie on chest to capture heartbeat...

yeah, the parts of me that aren’t really fans of of chilliness
they’re like
oh, if we do a recording
we’re gonna have to take the blankets off of our chest
off of my chest
off of this chest space that’s so cosy and warm right now under the blankets
we’re gonna have to
we’re gonna have to reveal the top of the body that’s below the neck
we’re gonna have to reveal it to this
to this chill morning air

the morning birds have begun
they may be coming through
i’ve got the windows closed
i chose to leave the windows completely closed last night
because
it seemed to me that the coolness warranted keeping all the heat in the van

i don’t know
i can’t say i know the human called Wim Hof at all
i think i watched one of his offerings
maybe a youtube video
i think i saw something wherein
i think he created something that i watched
but it might also have been some form of interview
or some form of little documentary-esque thing about how he has
if memory serves
how he has chosen to embrace
temperatures that that i haven’t yet fully embraced
that i in many regards haven’t yet partially embraced
and if it is indeed like 16 or 17 degrees Celsius
he may find that temperature to be quite balmy indeed

and well hello to you too
good morning crow
hmm
yeah
really?
that’s possible
okay

hmm
i don’t really think my crow understanding capabilities are
are uh, fully up to par
i recognized...

maybe i’ll just listen for a sec...

i haven’t
i haven’t noticed a crow outside
this close
very very often before

hmm
it would be really neat to understand what the crow was saying
yeah
ka ka

it wouldn’t surprise me if the crow could hear me going on
do you want a morning song?
do you want me to go on
or is this your way of saying keep it down

hmm
that reminds me
i saw a headline the other day
something about scientists are cracking the code as to animal communication
i wonder why i’m talking in this voice while reading the headline
catch all the news, live from the chilly realms of emma’s van, weekdays** at 4 to 5 am***

hmm
it’d be kind of cool
be really cool to be able to understand what animals are
are getting across

wasn’t there some
wasn’t there some Simpsons episode
where they could understand what the dog was saying
or was it a baby
Homer’s brother invented something
and it was able to translate...

i think it’s gonna happen
i think we’ll get there
i think we’ll get there
i think we’ll find a way to understand
all the things
all the things all the beings are imagining

hmmm
that shimmer i feel in my body
that, that feeling of what i think could be the blood
and other things coursing through my veins and arteries
coursing from heart to lungs to brain
to all the realms of this physical structure
this physical scaffolding...

that feeling of being alive
is for some reason
very strong
very, very palpable
when i first wake up

and now that i think about it
now that i’m perhaps noticing
differently
maybe for the very first time
the, the greater intensity of this shimmering that i feel
may
may coincide with me feeling
fully awake enough to to stay awake
to stay awake

going back to sleep is
it might be one of my superpowers

waking up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night
and then falling back asleep
oh yeah, i’m really good at that
and then if i wake up later to go to the bathroom
oh yeah, i can fall asleep again right after that
and it might be 9 in the morning
or 10 in the morning
or 11 in the morning
and i’m pretty good at going back to sleep
until, until it’s time that i feel ready to engage
in whatever seems to pull me

and these days
these days i’m far more open
ready
willing
to engage in
in things that have no names

is that
is that even a way to
really?
does that even make sense?
what do i mean by that?

i think i mean
i’m pretty sure i mean…
there are so many activities
that i’ve never tried before
there’s so many sports activities
and games
and forms of conversation
and flavours of food
and perhaps the wider name is experiences

yeah, i like that word
there are so many flavours of experience
that i have yet
in this human form
this, this bodily form that
that i call emma…

there are so many types of experience
so many experiences
that i’ve never tried
that i haven’t even named
that i haven’t even got names for

and how is it one begins to fall into
to find experiences one has no names for?

well
one way i’ve found to do that is to
to just go out into the world
just to start walking
or
not as often but still still possible
is to to go out into the world of the internet

when i go out into the world
without goal
without preplanned destination or direction
when i let that which i call my intuition
share its gentle, often gentle
often very gentle pull
it’s almost like a
like a, like a child who’s got you by the hand
and they’re taking you to show you something exciting
they share
they want to show you what they’ve made
or they want to show you what they found in their...
but like come on, come see this. emma i want to show you this

and i’m gonna be
i’m gonna be really fair here to my intuition
because, because there isn’t actually that excitement
there’s, there’s a
there’s a flavour of
there’s a flavour of
this way?
that’s actually
i’ve disc…
i’m, i’ve been discovering
that that, that intuitive flavour
is actually more neutral

it’s got a hint of excitement
and
yeah, i’m gonna admit that
that part of me, parts of me
have
have at times added
added in increased elements of excitement
or joy
and joy?

hmm
there’s, there have been
many times when dramatizing an experience
when spiritualizing…

dramatizing is a good word
it’s an apt word in this instance

there’ve been many occasions where it felt like like
ooh, there’s a tinge of excitement going on
ooh, maybe i can
maybe i can add a little bit more excitement
and ooh, maybe
maybe what’s happening here can be
maybe i can call it fate
maybe it’s destiny

there have been times where i thought it felt
better
where i thought what was happening was
was better
was more
was oh so dreamlike

when those layers of extra excitement
of added joy were
were counted in the counting
were recalled in the reminiscing

oh, you remember that time…
oh yeah, that was so hmm…

and there is something
there’s something to be said
for for lifting something up to
to make it more than what maybe it was

and
and there’s something
that i found unhelpful in that as well

i wonder if the
if it’s like a drug
if it’s like
if
if calling something fate
or destiny
or
that was how it had to happen.
it just had to happen that way or else…

i wonder if that colouring of an experience
merely sets myself up for needing to
to have more experiences that are that large
that are that wow, oh exciting

and then those experiences of
of ooh, and ah, and oh my goodness…
just set me up to think that i have to have more

well
they did for me
they
they in some ways made those
those mornings that were
just
mornings
those
temperatures that were
just temperatures
those birds that were quite close right outside
where i was trying to make a video
wait, there’s no video being made here
i’m recording an audio segment

there’s that me that was pretending to talk with the crow
that me that was pretending to sound unconcerned by the crow
was internally thinking
does, does that crow crowing outside the van
interrupting my my rambling…
does that mean that i shouldn’t be recording?
does that mean that
that what it is that i’m saying is
is not worth being said?
is this the universe’s way of me, of telling me
emma, yeah, this one’s a dud
if it were, if
if what you were saying has any validity…
if the, if
if what you’re putting out into the universe is
is backed by the universe
well you wouldn’t be interrupted
you wouldn’t have another being come and say
hey, kaw kaw
in the middle of your sentence

hmm
yeah
yeah, there were, there were versions of me
that would have stopped recording
because i would have taken that crow as a sign

i would have taken the
the fact that i was speaking and the crow was speaking
and our vocalizations were overlapping
and perhaps getting confused by you the listener…

i would have taken
that mixing and intermingling of sound as
as a sign that
well, i guess this recording is a dud

but what’s a dud?
what’s a not dud?

what’s
what’s meaningful
beyond what i and you and we
fill with meaning

and oh, oh wait…
i, i have the option
i have the capacity to feel
to fill something with meaning?
i as you
have the capacity to fill this happening
this experience with meaning?

there’s something really plain and lovely about that

i, i feel the
the full body tingles that have happened on several occasions
in this session
in this now
in that now
in that now
in that now

i rose again
imagining that
that the pull
that gentle
that gentle offering
the press record…

the gentle offering that said
hmm, you know if we
if i
if we roll the blankets down from neck to just below my chest
and allow in
what has previously been named as cool air
as cooler than the typically desired temperature of air
if we let that air have contact with
with me
so that phone
and microphone in the phone…

there’s a microphone in my phone
maybe i’ll do a deep dive and
(me having so much fun trying to say “etymologically”)
etymology
if i look up the etymology
of the word phone
microphone
etymologically
you know
logically
logic turns into logically
etymology turns into…
(me having more fun again trying to say “etymologically”)

i’m trying to understand
without really trying to understand
how microphone and phone are related

a microphone in my estimation
is something that that picks up
kind of like an ear
the sound vibrations
and in this case
it’s converting the sound vibrations into ones and zeros
such that then the something in the computer
or something in the computer elements of the phone can
can transfer them to your device
and then your device converts those ones and zeros back into sound somehow

it’s all quite
it’s all quite magical
and yet ordinary to some

see this whole
this whole laughter and
and wonder that is
that i’ve been letting into the
the word phone and microphone
and i’m not even gonna try that other one again…

ahhh
i was beginning to say
trying to say
starting to say
that the the pull of intuition
that can have a flavour of excitement
that can have a flavour of a child pulling your hand saying
come, come see this
i want to show you something

i
i’ve been letting myself follow that pull
physically
into just going for wanders

i call them wonder wanders
and
there’s no destination

when there’s nothing ahead in my schedule that
that causes me to feel a rush
it’s even better
because then i
if i get the urge to turn left i’ll turn left
if i get the urge to turn right or go straight or turn, whirl around
or stop and look at this
stop and smell that
stop and and touch that
stop and
just stop
and go oh, isn’t that interesting

and maybe not even explore further what it is that’s interesting about it
just
just go oh, huh

i’ve been enjoying taking pictures
of some of the things i find on those wanders

and what dawned on me
as i was sharing this with you here
is that this
the invitation i received to maybe i don’t feel like going back to sleep
this invitation to hmm, what if i did a recording
this recognition of oh, i don’t know if it’s warm enough
maybe it is warm enough
what if i…
what if i see if…
what if i Wim Hof it?

what if i bring in my capacity to embrace a temperature that i
that i typically
maybe shun is a strong word
and at the same time
it might be an apt word for what i’ve done
or what i’ve felt
toward temperatures that i label as chilly

what if i
it seems like i’m being invited to embrace
some of that temperature
to embrace
some of that experience
that i don’t know as fully as as experiences of
of warmth

and i did
i wandered
i let myself wander into these moments here with myself
and with you
and with the crow outside
and with the slight clicking that’s going on with some of my breathing

when i let myself like this
wander into places of thought
to wander into places of sound
and experience
wherein i don’t know what the outcome is going to be
well
as simple as it may sound
it’s
quite
extra
ordinary

it’s got a flavour of ahhhhh
and at the same time
it’s like oh, i’m just lying here in the van with my phone on my chest
making sounds that some feel are understandable
and others may go
what is she rambling on about

just this
just that
just here and there and everywhere
wherever we go
we are

ahhh
well dear one
once again we’ve gone places
and stayed exactly where we are

i feel
i feel full
i feel light
i feel bright

i positioned my phone a little differently
i’ve been consciously choosing different
slightly different orientations of my phone on my chest
so as to capture as much heartbeat as possible

in yesterday’s recording i realized that i could definitely hear the heartbeat
and at the same time it felt like
it felt like the volume needed to be up
to a point where my voice seemed a little a little louder than necessary
for for easy
just, like everyday listening

it felt like in order for me to to hear my heartbeat in the recording that
that my voice was then at a level
that was a little too loud
so we’ll see 
we’ll see if this
phone microphone orientation
we’ll see if it picks up the heartbeat
buddabadum
buddabadum
buddabadum
buddabadum
just that little bit more
just that little little bit more

hmm
all right
until next time
all of this has been done
this is being done
this is here
for you
for me
for all
with much love

* according to Weather Canada, it was 9 degrees Celsius

** oh yeah, it’s the weekend

*** as it happened, it was between 4 and 5am that this recording fell out of me :)

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support can be made here.
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Hi.
It's me.
It's me with you.
It's me as a mirror of you and you as mirror of me.

This is, uh, another first. I'm in my van home right now. The previous episodes were in spaces that were being borrowed in a way. The first episode was when I was staying in the guest suite at the care home that my dad spends his days in. And the other three were in some house sits, some spaces in which I was taking care of plants or cats or, or just, or just filling empty spaces left by those on vacation trips or work trips.

And this space here, this is my home. This minivan that for the most part is imagined to be unoccupied, and when I'm not here I suppose that's the case. And right now, I'm here. It feels a little... There's an added vulnerability in, in tonight, in last night.

Last night was the first night back in the van after more than a month of house sits. And I noticed as I was walking back up to the van yesterday, I noticed that I missed it. I missed that walk up from where I'd been, out and about sharing time and space with moments of conversation or just presence with other, with other people, with other elements of the world, of the universe, of the city, the street.

I, I felt this distinct sensation of gladness of, of upcoming enjoyment in being back in this space. This van has been my home for a little over two years now and, and I've done a whole lot of house since in the two years, and I've, I've spent many, many a day and night in here as well, and there's an added feeling of vulnerability in these past couple nights, in this now and last night because of the, the system I've devised to have a screen protect me from mosquitoes or other such insects that populate the outside world.

Up until these last, up until yesterday and today the screens that I had devised were on the outside of the window. I put strips of Velcro around the window, and then I attached the accompanying strips of Velcro to the screen, and, and I could just apply it and take it off. So if I was about to drive somewhere, I would take the screens off. Otherwise, they tended to get pulled off by the wind.

And so there was, there was this process wherein I would, when the driving was done for the day, and, and I was about to go to sleep, I would pull out the screens and affix them to the exterior of the the sliding door windows, and then I'd get in the van, and, and put the windows down. And because the screens are of a dark material with tiny, tiny holes it wasn't, it wasn't super obvious that the windows were down. It was totally noticeable if somebody was, was paying attention, I suppose, if they were walking by and they looked at the windows, they looked at that part of the van, it would, it would be noticeable that the windows were down.

And when I first devised that system, I thought myself quite, quite, uh, I felt quite proud of myself for devising that way of providing a bug free environment. It sure saved my bacon on many occasions. I uh, I crossed Canada in June and July of 2024. I first made my way from my west coast home to family in Alberta and stayed there for a few months, and, and then I went all the way to Prince Edward Island to the place of my birth.

The community, I was, I spent the first seven years of my life and is still there. The same houses. The same sidewalks that led to my elementary school. The same swing sets I played on. It was really, it was really lovely to walk those paths and swing on those swings again all these years later. And there were many occasions wherein it was so warm out. It was so warm out. I didn't have windows down, I, I, I'd be that dog or child that's accidentally left in the car, and, and I, too, would expire this earthly form.

Having windows open is, is a lifesaver in many occasions, on many occasions, and there were, there were a lot of evenings wherein, if I didn't have screens to keep out the bugs, I would have been eaten alive. I might have had fresh air but there would be no peace, there would be no comfort, and, and yet I was protected, and because, because it wasn't blatantly obvious that my windows were down, I felt, I felt safe enough to sleep soundly.

And, and it's such a beautiful gift to be able to hear the outside while being safe and mosquito free, inside, dry, warm enough under my blankets. It's such a gift to be able to hear the birds and the the bugs and the bees and the, the other animals, if there are any.

I was at a friend's place in her driveway for a few days in the spring, and there were coyotes around where she lived, and I kept my ears open for the sounds of coyotes. Aoooooh (light laughter). I kept my ears open and let all the sounds arrive in mind, in body, all the vibrations of them coming through the windows.

Well, one thing I noticed with the screens on the outside with the Velcro strips on the outside. is that the extreme, well, maybe extreme is a little extreme, as a word, but, I mean, it got pretty, pretty hot that summer of ‘24 and summer of ‘25, and, and in the winter, that first winter I spent some time in places that were minus 30, minus 40 degrees, and something about the extremes and the, the materials that made up the stickiness of the back of the Velcro strips, and something about the materials that made up the Velcro clingy bits themselves, there ended up being this, this warping and bending and this reshaping of the strips, such that I felt the need to replace them. And so after the first year, I took off the old and put on some new, and then the new ones went through extremes of summer heat, and some winter cold, and they, too warped and bent and twisted and so this year, I, I thought, well, I could take off these as well, and put on a new set.

Or I could try something different. What if I said, “What if I put the the velcro strips on the inside of the window? On the inside of each sliding door window.” And so that's what I did.

A few days ago, before I knew I was going to be spending time here in the van in between house sits, I applied the Velcro to the inside, and I applied the Velcro to some new pieces of screen… the other ones, two seasons was enough to kind of get them beaten up and a few holes had started to appear. And it's worked. It's worked all right. It, it keeps out the outside, and, and it allows me to open up my windows to get the fresh air.

This time, however, every time if I keep it this way it's far more obvious, it's blatantly obvious that my windows are open. And, and there's, there's some discomfort with that knowledge.

A friend has been letting me park outside of her house for the last many months, and they, the security of being able to park in one spot… maybe that's not the right word. The, the knowledge that I can stay parked here is very comforting. Though I became adept at finding places to park, different places to park, it's been a real blessing to, to remain in, in one space.

It's almost like, it's far more like a home than, than when I had to find a new spot each night, and at the same time, the road that, that we're on, that I'm on, is one that's quite regularly frequented by walkers. And there have been many a night when people have walked by late at night like it is now. And on one occasion, while I was in the van, there were a group of people walking by, and, as they did, one from the group tried the door, pulled at the handle to see if, perhaps, it was unlocked. I'm pretty sure they didn't know anybody was in here, and it was locked. And I felt safe.

And at the same time. I think, I think I knew on some level that this interior window screen set up, which I've had the idea for now, well, I had it… the idea came to me mid last year sometime… I think I realized when I, when I heard this person try the door, and they just kept going, it's like they were trying the doors of whatever car they passed by, but I can't be sure because I don't, I didn't hear what happened before they arrived at my van, and I didn't hear what happened after they left and passed by.

Hmm.

So, so, thus far, it's been cool enough that I only need the window open a couple inches, the windows open a couple inches to get some cool cross breeze air. And, and the doors are locked, and, and I know that if someone were to, let's say, the windows are down, as far as they go, and because, perhaps, because they're the sliding glass, the sliding door windows on the van, they only open like two thirds of the way, for someone to put their hand in, the sound of the Velcro ripping away from each other would wake me up in an instant, I'm sure of that.

And, and I can imagine I would let out a yelp or a shout, or, uh, “Hey, what's going on?” and perhaps, probably, that would be enough to, to send somebody on their way. And at the same time, hmm, at the same time, part of me doesn't want to have to do that yelp. There's a part of me that, this feels safer.

So, it's kind of neat. I begin another house sit in just a few days, so this is almost like a little test, a little experiment to see if, if I want to continue to leave it as is, and, and let the world know that the windows are down, and trust. Trust that what will happen in my life is, is what will happen in my life.

Hmm, maybe that's a bit of a cryptic way of saying what it is that's going on in my head.

I believe in guardian angels, I believe in guardian spirits, I believe in elements that, that I don't admit to having much, hmm factual, scientific knowledge of, but I guess I trust that, that if now is not my time, for this or for that, then, then this or that isn't going to happen.

Hmm, it's a it's a fluid kind of topic in my realm as a human, this concept of, of... I get… I'm, I feel myself skirting the issue, or skirting what it is that, that I'm feeling inside in this telling.

There are, there are events that go on in the world in which people are unkind to each other. There are moments in this universe that I, that we are a part of, and which humans are, are violent towards one another, and through, through whatever the factors are that determine when violence is felt from another...

Yeah, there's something stuck in my... what's the easiest way to put it? What's… I've been very fortunate. I've been very fortunate in that very little, little to no violence has been... I've been a victim of little to no violence. I have encountered little to no violence from other, directed to myself. That's the simplest way to put it.

In some ways, it feels very surreal, because I have been an out and proud, and in some ways, audaciously so out and proud, transgender woman for about nine and a half years now. I tend to, with my male-esque skeleton, my male-ish features of face and body shape, I wear very feminine clothing. I wear dresses almost every day now. Even in the winter I found a way. I'll put a pair of loose pants on under my dresses, and a tank top to help keep some body heat in, underneath the dress.

And I, from the moment I discovered there was a woman inside me that wanted to live out the remainder of my days as a human, from the moment I discovered her in a light switch moment… what do I mean by that?

I mean that the morning I woke up, Thursday, June 16, 2016, I woke up as Steve, father to two children, and by the end of the day, through me learning for the first time what transgender really meant, I, well, the simplest way to say it is to just tell the story…

At some point in my workday, the thought, “I wonder what I would look like as a woman,” passed through my synapses. And I'd been listening to some podcasts about people who were, who were discovering their own transgenderness and navigating some of the questions and feelings that they were having, and at the same time, I wasn't understanding something about the whole emotionality, the whole experience.

In my mind, it was just this: “Oh, it's when a man turns into a woman, or when a woman turns into a man, or when a man chooses to live as a woman or when a woman chooses to live as a man.” Until that day I had no idea that an actual physical transformation was possible. I had no idea until that day that if somebody chose to decrease their testosterone and increase their estrogen during the puberty years that, that they would physically blossom as a woman. I had no idea that if you were to lessen your estrogen and increase your testosterone during the puberty years, that you would blossom into an adult who looked male, sounded male.

And, so there I was. I was nearly 46 years old, and I had woken up as Steve that morning, and by the time I went to sleep at night, I, I knew that I would spend the rest of my days as a human, living, living in a feminine, womanly way.

And from that point onward, I, it was like, “Oh, oh, those feelings I had during this phase of my life when I was going through puberty, oh, they make so much sense now.” I didn't feel comfortable in my body as a boy, and I just figured all boys had that discomfort, had those discomforts. I didn't feel comfortable growing up with it, the attributes of boys turning to men, and I just figured, “Oh, everybody feels uncomfortable, and nobody talks about it.”

So, on that night, on that, in those hours when I learned that through surgery and hormones it's possible to, to acquire a body that I do feel comfortable in, I just knew.

So, there are laws and rules and regulations on how, how one is allowed to take the steps to, to transition, and because I was in my mid 40s, as long as I could show that I was of sound mind, there was, and because I was in Canada, there was no, no one that was going to stop me, and many people and many resources there to help me.

And so a year after I began living my life as Emma.

I started taking estrogen, and a year after that, I had surgery to remove, to remove the part of me that defined my maleness, the parts of me that defined my maleness.

And in these last nine and a half years, I have been just so comfortable, so much more in love with being alive than ever before.

And this is where some of the surrealness comes in, because those challenges that we hear so much of in the news regarding transgender people having acts of violence towards them, verbal violence, physical violence… I've been, my experience has been over 99, I'd say 99.5% of my time has been one of acceptance, one of inclusion, one of “You are welcome here.”

And, so now, I'm here in the van, and I've got screens on the inside that make it almost impossible to not see that the windows are open if the windows are open, and there’s a part of me, there are many parts of me that are that are completely full of trust that it's okay, that I'm gonna be okay.

And, there's also an acknowledgement of, hmm, regardless of whether or not I'm trans or not, the person walking by looking for vehicles they can break into… this one looks more accessible.

Hmm. I might end up putting screens on the outside. And I might not.

And both, both things are okay.

And I guess maybe that's, maybe this is a space that's, that's a little new for me as well. This… I seem to have a capacity these days to hold feelings that seem opposite in nature as either true and/or possible at the same time, and there's less, there seems to be less need to go “Oh, I should follow this feeling. Oh, I should give in to this feeling. I should let this feeling dominate as opposed to that feeling.”

Now there's this, recently over the last year or so, this capacity has been growing in me to, to hold as true that I feel both secure and insecure. I feel both blessed and protected and vulnerable, and, and there's something in that. There's something in that, that's that's both comforting and disconcerting in itself.

I guess for so much of my life, things... it seemed easier to just be black and white about things. It just seemed easier to go, “Well, this is right, and this is wrong,” or, or “I'm not allowed to feel safe if I feel vulnerable,” or “If I feel vulnerable, I'm, I'm showing weakness.”

Well, dear one, as always I didn't really know what was gonna come out in this share, in this, in this letting out of me for you to see, in this giving of me to you, and like much of what I've shared before, some things may seem disjointed, unfinished. More questions may have arise, have arisen in you, from what was left unsaid or what just didn't arrive.

And there, too, I feel both weird and so okay.

It's okay if you don't quite understand what I'm trying to say. It's okay that, it's okay that we're just right here, you and I, in this softness, in this, in this quiet, beautiful space.

Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing in what's transpiring in these moments of me as a human.
And I wish for you, I wish for you moments wherein you feel more enjoyment in being alive.
And, and I wish for you, peace.
Even if unfully understood.
Hmm.
All right.
Much love,
Emma

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Hi. I'm here.
I'm here with you, in your here.

I'm not sure how long I'm gonna be fascinated, as I am now, when I contemplate that, me, being here right now… there's sunlight pouring in through the window, there's warmth, brightness, a whole bunch of quiet, with a little bit of sound… some birds outside every once in a while. I can even hear some... what seems like... of traffic. And then there's this lovely clock, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, that, in some parts of my existence, at some times of my existence would have annoyed me.

All of these things are happening here. Now, now, now, now, and while you're listening to this, you’re in your now. You're in your here. It's, maybe this is a form of time travel, of travelling, through time and space together here, you and I. Together in our heres. Here we are.

Yeah. And in my ear, those full body tingles that I've mentioned before, they've, they've happened a couple times already, in just these few moments.

I discovered the capacity for these full body goosebumps-style tingles a few years back now. I discovered them, well, lying down and meditating, and when I say meditating, I mean, just kind of, just kind of letting my thoughts drift and letting my attention be. Letting my attention settle on all of the sensorial aspects of my being.

So there's, you know, those common ones, those ones we learn about in school, the ability to see, our capacity for sight, the ability to smell, our capacity to take in through the nose things we call aromas. Tasting, the putting of things in mouths, on tongues, and suddenly, “Oh, wow, that strawberry has all of these flavours, and this bite of pasta has that flavour, and those layers of this and that.” And our ears, our ears taking in all these different kinds of vibrations and, and translating into, “Oh, this is a car. Oh, this is a truck going by. Oh, that plane overhead. Wow, it sure sounds close.”

There was a plane that went overhead last night that… I don't know when I heard a plane that close in the sky before. Part of me wondered if it was in trouble and was gonna have to make an emergency landing somewhere. Maybe it did.

And then the sense of touch, that fifth sense, or so we're told we have. The sense of touch. I've got the fingertips of each hand touching each other, and fingertips are so sensitive. Mine are. I'm guessing yours are, too. They're so, their so capable of taking in such fine detail information. I think what, part of what astounds me, and astound, I realize it's kind of a big word, and, and I'm, I'm gonna admit right now that it feels like an appropriate word. Astounds, fingertips astound me in their capacity to take in such fine detail information, because we use them all the time. Fingers are, are parts of the body that, perhaps are used as much or more than anything other than feet, besides feet, feet, holy cowabunga, wow, they’re, my feet, are in use, carrying me about for great portions of my day. And if I go without shoes and socks they get calluses. Even with shoes and socks they tend to get callous build up. And yet my fingers, when they go about their daily activities, they don't build up these layers of callus, and so are, are left, free and open to, to take in the softest of touch.

And, in my realm, in my world, in my perceptive wanderings throughout this moment, through each moment, I’ve also been noticing this, this, uh, I'm not sure, I'm still not sure how to voice it, how to put it into words, this feeling of my insides, feeling like my insides are moving. And when I think about it a little more, much of my insides are moving, in regard to blood vessels, or I guess the blood in the blood vessels, the blood vessels being the conduits, the highways, the byways, the freeways, the, the pathways in which, and through which, blood, and platelets, and whatever else is mixed in, circulates, circulates throughout the body, throughout this body, throughout my body, and I'm guessing through yours, too.

I say it so specifically, because what if somebody took this recording of me, and, and has it playing in their living room, has it playing in your living room? I know I recommend headphones so that you can hear my actual heartbeat, buddabadum buddabadum buddabadum, buddabadum, I'm not sure if it's matching the actual clock speed, but wouldn't surprise me if it is. If you’re playing your recording of this somewhere that isn't in earbuds, in your ears, then some of the sounds, all of these sounds of my voice are, are reaching bookshelves and books, and walls, and the knickknacks you have on your shelves, and well, they may not have circulatory systems, at least not like the ones we have in our bodies.

Anyhow, (chuckling) that was an interesting little diversion.

Mmmm, there's a bee outside the window somewhere.

So, these feelings of my insides, moving, is real. I'm not sure, though, that I took the time, or had the focus of attention, or the relaxing perhaps, yeah, I think that's the way to say it… the relaxing of attention enough, in my years before, a few years back when I realized I could feel what was going on inside… I can feel what's going in its own inside. I do, I am, feeling what's going on inside of me.

Apparently, the word for that is interoception.

So, when I arrive in my now, more often when I arrive in my now these days, I feel this. It's, it's not a tingle, it's... a shimmer. Shimmer is typically a visual word. It's like, it's like I can feel the tiniest aspects of me, just kind of going back and forth and around and left and right, and it's just like...

Maybe you can feel it, too. Maybe I don't need to find words for it, and maybe you don't even need to find words for it. If you're, it doesn't have to, you don't have to be lying down. I can feel it while I'm standing while I'm walking even, nowadays. When I first discovered it, though, I imagine I was lying down and lying still. There's, there's all this stuff between the exterior skin of our body, and, and the insides of us. Like I said earlier, there's, there are a whole bunch of things flowing through our veins and arteries, and veins and arteries are kind of the same thing in that they’re pathways, it's… we just call them arteries when they're, whatever this means, on the side of the flow of the heartbeat that leaves the heart. The blood leaves the heart, and into an artery. And then it goes through our lungs and gets oxygenated, and then it leaves our lungs and heads to all the parts of us. And then, at some point, it begins its path back toward the heart, because it's like, “Okay, we're running out oxygen, or maybe even we've run completely out of oxygen, and now we gotta go and get back to the heart so we can get pumped over to the lungs to get some more oxygen,” and these, these things, these elements of us that are coursing constantly, that are flowing, constantly, buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum through our systems, they're picking up things and and releasing things all the time.

And not “all”, as in every nano, gigo, blotto second of time, but they're picking up oxygen and they're delivering it places. They're picking up this and that and the other thing and they're delivering them places. They're fantastic couriers, life giving couriers.

Wow. We’re, we’re, it's such, delicate and hardy and complex and simple creatures, beings. We're beings. I'm being here. I'm letting myself be even more here. I'm feeling myself be more here.

Just then, and as with other moments in this now that I'm putting down into ones and zeroes on my phone, there were, like, full body goosebumps, and they weren't just on my, they weren't just, like, statically on my arms, or on my entire body. It, it feels like when I first discovered them, and when I did just now again, it feels like a wave of, of tingle, and it, it…

The picture that's come into mind is, have you ever been at the beach, and you lay down on the sand, at a point on the beach where a wave can come and just, just, like, wash over your body, and then it recedes. And the wave comes back up, and it washes over your body, and it recedes. And if you're at the beach on a day where the sun is just the right level of warmth, for your absolute pleasure, and the water is just the right level of cool, for your absolute delight, and, and the wave washes up, and you can feel it start at your toes, and work its way over your ankles and calves, and knees, and thighs, and mid section, and belly, and shoulders, and fingers, and elbows, and arms, biceps, and you're back… on the backs of your body. And maybe if, even up right over your head, and hold your breath before it does. Maybe close your eyes. It's all up to you.

If you can imagine that feeling of, it's this coolness, but it's, like, a delightful coolness. Or this coldness, and it's this, “Ooh, that's a nice kind of coldness,” that's kind of what these tingles feel like. There's a, there seems to be a cooling aspect to them, a refreshing aspect to them, and when I first discovered that a few years ago, well, they thrilled me, and, of course, I, and it's interesting that I say the word, of course. I think that's probably more a common, common way. Perhaps we'll get into it later. I felt them, and I'd had goosebumps many times in my life, numerous, myriad times in my life up to that point. For some reason in this few years ago time that I'm touching upon, the the tingling sensation seemed, it was noticed, it was noticed on more of me than my arms.

And now that I think about it, in a little bit more detail in this, this form of me here now, deciding to share with you in your now, in your here, it's, this, this tingling feeling is different in some respects than goosebumps, because the goosebumps that I, and I think many of us, imagine when we say the word goosebumps, it's this feeling wherein the hairs on your arm stand up. Oh, and I'm feeling down, and I'm feeling this tingling going through my legs, and I'm going, “Whoa, have the hairs on my legs been rising all these times, too?” Maybe. Maybe all the hairs of my body, except the ones in my head, they don't tend to...

Well, that's really interesting, these, even these full body tingles of them, what I'm talking about, and yet seemingly circling at the same time. I don't remember recognizing the feeling on my scalp. Whoa. But there it is. It just, it doesn't feel like a hair raising kind of tingling on my scalp though. I wonder if it's because the hairs are just so much more dense than on arms and legs. Huh.

I think I was beginning to say that this tingling sensation that I've discovered I have the capacity for, and I'm guessing you do, too. In fact, you may have been feeling it a few times in this recording as well. And yay, haha, I think that's why I'm sharing. I think part of me would be absolutely thrilled to, to hear that you, perhaps, for the first time, definitely for the first time, if you feel and notice these types of tingling sensations, extending through your body.

Because it, it feels great. It's almost like proof of life.

When my attention lands on this constant, shimmering movement feeling that's going on on my insides, from the tips of my toes all the way, all the way up to the very top of my scalp. It's like, “Oh, yeah. I've got a body.” This is a part of what I am as an entity in this universe. I have a body in which the things in my blood vessels deliver nutrients, deliver the necessities to remain alive to all the cells, to all the nerve cells, and muscle cells, and bone cells, and intestine and liver and pancreas cells, to all the, all the different parts of me, to all the different parts of you.

We are remarkable creatures, you and I.

And our bodies don't necessarily act in ways that we expect them to act all the time, or that we hope, how we hope they act. For instance, my nose seems a little stuffed up today, this morning, and it's completely unexpected (chuckling). I, I don't know of, consciously, any reason why this morning in this moment, why, my nose is stuffed up. It hasn't been in mornings previous when I've been here, and previous versions of me wouldn't even have allowed my, have allowed myself to, to take this time and make this time of sharing with you, because, “Oh, the listener, they might, they might not approve.”

I'm not sure why I might have that thought.

I'm realizing, more so recently that there are a lot of different parts of my, my being. You know, there are these physical parts, wherein we've got blood cells, and, and pathways, and hearts, and lungs, and there's these interior parts, these physical parts, that I can feel movement in, whether it's the constant, seeming shimmer of my inside realm, or if it's these wavelike passages of tingles, and these, these physical aspects of nasal passages being slightly constricted. And then there are these, all these parts of my emotional realm and these parts of my thought realm, and it seems a little odd.

Some part of me has has decided that it seems a little odd that another part of me would care about me making a recording to share with you when my nose is a little stuffed up. Part of me cares about that. Part of me worries about how, how I'm coming across in this sharing, and, and when I allow, when I soften into allowing just this little bit more, I can, I can feel these parts of me in a way wherein I can put words to the feelings, or words to the, the, is it an emotion? Is it a feeling? Is it a...

Whatever part of me is worried or, or embarrassed, or, or scared, or just not wanting me to, to show this, this change in my voice, this change in my, my aspect due to the slight constricting of my nasal capacity, my nasal passages… whatever parts of me are, are sharing voice, for whatever reasons, they only, they're only doing so in order to protect me. Protect me from what? Well, that's, that's an interesting question.

Perhaps there are elements of perfectionism in this part of the story, in this part of my now, that I'm sharing here with you. Tick, tick, tick, tick, buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum…

Mmmm, I like, I'm enjoying noticing the… I'm enjoying putting, I'm enjoying noticing enough to put into words some of these feelings, some of these emotions, some of these happenings of my inner realm, my inner mental, spiritual… I don't know. I don't know the name. I haven't I haven't chosen. I haven't decided upon a name of, for this non-physical element of my aspect. I think it's a little different than source me. I think it's a little different than the higher self me, or, or, the completeness of me version.

I think it's a little different than that.

Seems like it's connected too, but different than my body, my body. And for now, I'm gonna set it aside. I'm gonna set aside the feeling of trying to figure out what a word is, what words can be used. I'm gonna come back into…

Ahhh, I just came back into that breath and into this breath. Just being here. Just allowing in here. Letting this… This… This… This…

It's easy to complicate things. It's easy to, or I'm finding, I'm finding it easy to complicate things. I'm finding it's easy to discover many layers, many of the layers of what's going on just right here, in this moment, in this quiet, in this bird song, in this bright, warm, comfortable space.

Hmm. Well, we've gone to a few places, and we've circled a few places, and we've, we've, we've encountered our nows, and, and now we're here. And, it’s okay for me, it's okay with me that we may never have gone anywhere, actually.

I'm okay if, if what I've put across, if what I've helped transport across time and space to you, where you are, I'm OK if, if what you got only feels partially received, because, because, well, for me, it'll be nice to, to come back and, and share a little bit more.

And it's kind of, it kind of feels nice, knowing that, that I don't need to try to put everything of one part of me, or anything of, or everything of, of me in this sharing. It's impossible to do so in the first place. It's impossible and, and it's kind of fun thinking that, it's kind of fun realizing that there's a part of me that's going, “Oh, Emma, don't you at least want to get one idea through to this, this dear listener, this dear, receiver of your share? Wouldn't it, wouldn't it be nice to give them one whole little tidbit of, of something.”

Yeah, maybe, maybe it would be.

Maybe this, maybe this way of of sharing me is, is delightful enough to you as it is to me.

Hmm, what's been going on here with these heartbeat capturing, unscripted… “Really? lol, these aren't scripted? Oh, I couldn't tell, lol…” what's being going on here, what I've been allowing to happen, not just the recording, because, oh golly, I've got like, it wouldn't surprise me if I've got 100s of hours of recordings of me. They were, they were just taking, though, with me talking to the universe, and in this, in these instances here, I think this is the fourth, the fourth offering in my Substack Behind My Curtain podcast… in these offerings, I'm cognizant and choosing to be aware of you as another human entity as the receiver.

I'm, I'm talking to you directly, and you universally.

I'm talking to you as a human being.

I'm talking to you as, as the you that I feel is, is everything, like I feel, I am me, and I am everything.

And, it's okay, and in this me, in this now, knowing that it's just this part, it's just these parts, these circlings, these meanderings, these, these wanderings of thought and word.

All right
until next time buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum, buddabadum
be well
much love,
Emma

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The other day, some part of me was pulling me to go somewhere.

With a near-empty fridge giving the pull a grocery shape, a nearly-finished tube of toothpaste added a smile, and since the drugstore lives beside the grocer, the route arranged itself.

I readied myself in my new favourite sandals, my always-favourite dress, pants, and necklaces, and twelve down-flight floors of stairs later, warm-cool evening air surrounded me.

Light felt I.

The calm, steady, receptively-neutral self I inhabited throughout most of the wake-filled hours leading up to this saunter continued as feet found pavement. Legs lengthened, returned, lengthened, returned as stride found pace with ease and grace and aimless gaze. Somatic curiosity and sensate awareness did fill the stage, the path, and the space I moved through felt more like space was moving through me.

✾ ⭐️ ✾

With walkway leading me toward three outside a music venue, near the feet of one of the three I spied a large empty beverage container, plastic with lid, and “Do I care about this?” entered my field’s sky in a way that held zero incrimination regardless of the answer.

As such, the question dissipated and the resulting smiles, nods, and hellos I shared were free of the weight that could have accompanied any under-surface blame.

✾ ⭐️ ✾

Unburdened by need or search, I passed by a favourite bar, and attention landed near thoughts that its owner might be working, and this stirred a desire to stop in for a hello and hug and beverage, after this jaunt to procure food and tooth amenities.

✾ ⭐️ ✾

My form fell further into attention-embodied drift, and before long, I arrived in the aisle where my favourite toothpaste lay waiting, just for me it seemed, and with delight on both our parts I parted one instance of it from the stack.

Space then found me round the racks, and I was filled with soft delight as I saw one of the dearest, most inspirational friends this form of me has grace to grace.

We embraced in greeting, and while beaming, conceived and creatively conspired. In those few timeless moments ‘tween meet and part, while the store did set to close its day’s doors to space-drifters such as we, plans were made to sing and perform, to record and share musically memorable art, and for me to sit her and her housemate’s cats, and plants and home and garden and and and.

Oh, and she’s got an old vending machine in which she sells pieces of coal for $2, and she suggested we, as *Eleven Magical Turtles, use it to hawk our soon-to-be creations.

Buoyed by such bounty, legs upon sweet feet strolled back outside and up the gentle arc of hill that lay ’neath the sidewalk ’neath my feet, until once again the bar of memory’s brightly lit exterior beckoned me inward.

✾ ⭐️ ✾

Though the owner wasn’t there, I took in, by eye, five souls lightly known from my more frequent nights of dancing in this space’s pre-Covid eves. Hugs and greetings bloomed, then came a seat at the bar. When the bartender’s attention found me, I rose again to receive his hale and hearty, hello-filled hug.

With ale in hand to sip, I soaked in the ambiance of care-filled connection that seems ever-present in this sweet establishment.

✾ ⭐️ ✾

At one point in my perusal of place, my thoughts brought forth a query to the barman, who’d just shared his state of being on a long wave of wow: “What do you think is beneath this long high you’ve been riding?”

His response was something like this: “I’m in a wonderful partnership. She’s my person, and I knew it the instant we met. I’d had years of toxic relationships and then we found each other and we’ve been together now for around six years.”

His matter-of-fact, absence-of-drama tone of voice and body language somehow enhanced a soulmate feel.

To hear these two met out-of-the-blue and have been flourishing for so long, reminded me this type of tale is possible, and fresh fuel found the flame preparing me for my next adventure in love.

What a treat :)

✾ ⭐️ ✾

With his story softly settling in my synapses, I drank everything in, and when my beer was all bubbling in belly, prepared to pay and part only to be told my beer was on him.

After graciously accepting, I found my way outside and back again to the music venue. The three and the sidewalked cup were gone, and in their place was a loose gathering, a legion of lads and lasses out in the fresh to partake in conversation and laughter while inside, I imagined, the evening’s events were shifting gears to the next act.

Within moments of passing by, I was ensconced in my twelve-floors-up haven.

Golly it’s great that going out for groceries can be so much more than that.

Much love,
Emma

* If you’d like to listen to a poetic, experimental, sometimes raucous stream-of-conscious river of words and sound here’s a link to a recording of Eleven Magical Turtles’ world premiere concert, featuring myself and Moxie.

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Hmm. Hi.
This is me. This is me, here in this we, with you.
This is us, together swirling.
This is us together whirling round and round, all around.

The window to the outside is closed at the moment. I may have, slept my way into a new way of sleeping, of falling asleep, and waking, and falling asleep, and waking and falling asleep, and waking.

I realized the other night that there was a cool breeze coming in through the window. Foretelling of last night's terrain, perhaps? A day in advance? Perhaps. Nonetheless, I decided to close the window. And I got back into bed. It was somewhere in the middle of the night. And I didn't wake again until 9:00 in the morning.

It was a long enough, uninterrupted, piece of sleep that I noticed it was... longer a piece that had been happening. For much, if not all, of the days previous in the last many in which I've been house sitting here... all these floors up. One of eight apartments on each floor. Elevators and stairs, and...

rising and falling
letting and calling.
the things that are happening and being chosen are many
many, many, many, many, many, many, many
flip that penny
send it high in the sky.
and eventually it too will fall.
it has to fall
going home
is its nature

Maybe it's all of our natures, to go home. And to realize that we are already, home. One of the great, one of the many paradoxes.

Perhaps the concept of leaving home, of venturing out, the concept of leaning into and stepping out into those places that seem like they're not home, are merely different pathways to different aspects of our home and, and they, too, are perhaps always moments in still being home.

One of my favourite bar haunts that provided drink, and dancing, and music, and people so full of life, and interest and variety, one of the bartenders there, his greeting to we who arrived, was “Welcome home.” “Welcome home, Emma.” Oh, what a delight.

Hmm? He had a transgender sister. I don't know when I learned it. I don't know if it was the first night that I arrived at that establishment. No, couldn't have been. I arrived before before he was there with the owners who owned the place when he was there. There was another owner the first time I was there. And it felt like home then. Oh, wait, she wasn't the owner of that bar, but she's an owner of another bar.

Ah, our paths, they weave in and out, and around, and amongst each other, and other, and other, and other.

they weave and twirl and be
we, we, and swirl, and see
and in it all
it can be
felt, so delicately

The balls are still bouncing off walls. (a reference to City Soundscape Test)

The vibrations, created allowed, released when I speak, when air and some combination of tension, some combination of release is happening in my vocal cords, these sounds, they, they ripple from the beginning points, wherever those definitions may lie, and course down, speed down, race down, roll down, until some end of fingertip or toe, or skull, or ear edge is reached, and perchance, rebound against some end aspect or other, and, and continue moving out, or maybe back towards the source.

It doesn't matter. And it does matter. And I'm allowed to let it matter. In ways that, ways that thrill. I'm allowed. And I do more often. Just like this.

I arose to go to the washroom, and I, I noticed that the piece of sleep before waking was a little bit longer than most recently. Perhaps not quite as long as the one wherein I first decided to close the window because of the breeze, the one that happened after I closed the window. But long enough to notice that oh, I got some rest and the remembering while awake was enough for me to, on this morning, close the window and close the blinds.

This apartment has huge windows. They extend from approximately three feet above the floor, all the way to just before the ceiling, and the blinds that are provided with the space, the opening and closing contraption, the way that they're opened and closed, is via a system I'd never encountered before. And It's so funny, I was I was here on the day that my friend got his keys, and I was here on the day when he moved in, and in that final phase between landlord and tenant going through the last minute particulars of the rental of this space, I was here, and they were talking and doing their thing, and I was just marvelling it.

Wow. I'm not very often up this high, and, wow, what an incredible view. I'd never seen this city that I've been calling home for most of the last 23 years quite this way. Never, never imagined that this is what our city, this is what my home city, this is what, this home city looked like, could look like.

There's so many trees. There's so many mature trees, and the neighbourhoods of this beautiful town.

And as my friend and the landlord were doing their thing, and as I'm looking out the window, and taking in the sunlight and the the spaciousness, the, the expanse of hills and valleys, and rising and falling that was going on outside, and no doubt there were seagulls on that day as there are seagulls… every day, nearly any time I look out, whether far in the distance or seemingly right outside, sometimes, actually right outside the window.

And I saw these big windows and these big blinds. The largest of the blinds is... at least eight feet across. And the method of opening and closing, as I say, I'd never seen before, and at some point before the rental was all signed and sealed, and it felt like, to me, a parting was about to happen between my friend and the landlord, and it seemed to me like, like maybe, maybe he hasn't seen this kind of contraption, this method of light and dark induction. At some point, I asked the landlord. I said, “How do these work? How does this work?” And he comes over, and he shows us. Yeah, it's like, oh, oh, isn't that neat? Wow.

Afterwards, my friend, he said. “Thanks for asking. It slipped my mind, and I don't know if I would have been able to figure it out.” And I was like, “Yeah, I don't think I would have been able to figure it out either.” And yet, there we were in the end. There we were in that moment, newly full of stuff, of words, of information. That now allowed, he and I to close and open the blinds, as we see fit.

And up until today, up until just before I opened and began this recording my experiment, my chosen path was to open the blinds when the evening sun was down. Low enough that the can-be-intense heat of the end of the day's light has lessened enough, such that it's not intense anymore. And so, with either the fading light or the already night coming on, I rise and raise the blinds, and feel the full expanse of bare window bearing me, bearing all of it to me, it, the outside.

It, what is commonly thought of as not my home, if this were indeed my home. If this is indeed, this is indeed my home right now. It's so common for us to say, “Oh, that out there isn't my home, this is my home,” or “That out there isn’t my home, and that out there isn't my home. And that out there, all those other, but, none of those other places are my home.” It's just so common to say that none of those places out there are my home. This is my home. This is where I pay my rent. This is where I pay my mortgage. This is where I go to end my day and sleep, in sleep.

And I'm allowed to continue to think that way.

And maybe, maybe just for fun, could be neat to look out and go, “Oh, yeah, that's my home, too. Oh, yeah, that's my own home. Yeah, all of this. All of everywhere that I can see. All of everywhere that I can spy with these two eyes is still my home. I still belong. I still can say I'm safe.”

There are tingles, like, full body tingles going on, aside from the ones that are typically found and felt in the insides of my body, that extend all the way to the outsides of my body, the inner realms, to the edge realms, just thinking about looking out wherever, from wherever I am, looking out and going, “Oh, yeah. That's my home, too. Oh, look at those trees over there. Oh, yeah, those are my home, too. Well, look at that. I think there's a river over there. Yeah, that's my home, too. And behind me, I think, if there were windows behind me, oh, yeah, the places out there, they would be my home, too. They are my home, too.”

This is so neat just to conceive of that as being true.

So I woke this morning and went to the washroom, and then chose to close the window, thinking, “Oh, oh, yeah, it's still, it's still quite early. And if I close the window, maybe I'll get, like, another, like, delicious chunk of sleep pie, another large portion of sleep cake in which and with which to dream with, with which to dream from, with which to be ensconced in dream.”

Close the window, close the blinds. Let's try closing the blinds today.

I've noticed that, yes, I can sleep right until it's so, so bright outside. I can still sleep, and, yeah. I do wake a little bit more, and fall back asleep and wake, and fall back asleep and wake, and fall back asleep. I've allowed it, the opportunity to be surrounded by so much light. The windows here face west so it's not direct sunlight, blazing in from the early morn. It's indirect light, right up until about one o'clock in the afternoon.

So those first many days of being here at this house sit, this high in the sky apartment sit, were blinds open, night sky, and moon, and stars shining in. Lights from below sometimes finding their way inside. It was, it is, quite mmm… the ambient light from the streets, from the street lights, and, and from the vehicles, when there are vehicles in the dead of night, the ambient light that comes in is plenty with which to see the room, and yet we're high enough up that the, that light that comes from below is, is a soft amber’ish glow.

So my routine of opening the blinds at night, the night sky, and constellations, is super cosy. And then I sleep. And typically, with the window open and the blinds open, typically, I'll either get up to go to the washroom or, or get up because the first of the morning birds has started to chirp. And then I'll go back to sleep, and then I'll get up a little bit later, and the traffic's begun to, to share its voice in the intermingling of life. And then they'll go back to sleep, and then I'll get up again ‘cause it's that much brighter and it's that much noisier. And maybe a dump truck was rumbling by or, or a siren of some sort, for some reason. And then I'll go back to sleep

And unlike so many previous versions of me that would have found the constant, seemingly, um... avoidable, perhaps, getting up over and over again in a night… so many different versions of me would have found that very disruptive, and would have had a grrr and a grumble and a chafe somewhere in my psyche.

And these more recent versions of me, I, just so, so ready to try something else.

I'm often ready to try something else.

So to let the room be bathed in light
and let the sounds of the city normally
always enter
always rumble shh, shh, we-woo, we-woo, we-woo
all the sounds of the city going on, coming in
to the space
to my place
to my heart and my ears…

…and not feel disturbed, and not feel any crumble chafe grrr — Oh. Oh, yeah, it feels good.

There was some point, there was some point in the last few years, I'm gonna say the last three or four years, wherein I realized… I was a the town when it, this remembering, when this discovery of thought occurred. I was in a town that was very remote. And, I was at the end of a road. The place I worked, and was given a place to live, was five kilometres’ish, from the end, from the very end of the road. And the wilds of the west coast were just a few hundred metres away.

I could hear the ocean from my room, and yet, it was a very busy little town in the summer, and at that point, I, I did choose to feel that being disturbed by the huge volume of traffic that passed by each day, through most of the day, passed into my window there… I found it disruptive.

I, I could see, I could understand no way to feel other than disrupted by, by all that traffic noise. I wanted to hear the ocean. I just wanted to hear the wind in the ocean, but now I've got this car, and that car, and this truck, and that truck, and, and so it was a constant struggle to want the fresh air in, but not want the sound in, to want the fresh air in and not want the heat to be stifled and stuck with me in the room, if I were in it, at the same time.

And, through a lot of reasons and logic and happenstance, I ended up moving to a completely different part of the building. I was working at a hotel in this tiny, remote town and my new room was on the complete opposite side, furthest away from the road. And it was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop almost any time of the day. The most noise that came in, other than the wind of the rain and the storms, that were frequent there… the biggest noise that came in when I was in that new room, it was from the hot tub area. That was a fair ways down, past the end, past one end of the building, but just the way the the pathways and, and windings of, of building and forest worked, the sound, it was like a, it was like a channel. You could, when people were talking, in certain weather conditions, I swear, I could hear conversations. Seemingly, but not quite, word for word.

And even those at times, I chose to feel disturbed by... I like it when it's pin-drop silent, pin-drop quiet. “That's what I prefer,” said I. “That's how best I can thrive.”

Well, it was somewhere in that room, in that space, in that town, in that work, in that job, in that life, in that, in that home… it was some point in that part of my experience as a human, that it was like, oh, hang on a second, if, if I was in a city of millions and millions of people there would be immense and various types and levels of noises, almost all the time, windows open or closed.

So in those cities of millions, there must be, for sure, there are people there who, who meditate, and who find locate, return to, go to, are in states of calm and peace and okay’ness.

It was, like, it was, like, a light switch. It was, like, oh, yeah. There's, there must definitely be so many ways to live in and amongst large varieties and volumes of sound, and be completely serenely, soothed, and soaked, and suffused with, with peace, and calm. An acceptance of state, an acceptance of what is typically deemed of as an outside state or the outside states, because the state inside of peace has been found. A state, a state of inside, calm, and, “Hmm, yeah, this is, this is okay,” has been found.

And on that day, in that moment, in that place, when that remembering, when that awakening, when that discovery took place in me, I was like, “Oh, I wanna be one of those people, too. Oh, I, I, I can be one of those people, too.” Somewhere deep in me, I was like, “Oh. Oh, I am one of those people, too.”

I may not have, I may not have imagined that I could or would have need to practice remembering that I can be, and am in that place of grace, that place of quiet, serene calm, regardless of what's going on in the seeming outside. Regardless of that, within that, within all of those sounds and things, and happenings, and, like, there are people who have neighbours, who are singers, and they're practising their singing, and who are neighbours, who are trumpet players, and violinists, and piano players, and there are people who have neighbours who are dancers and dog walker barker (laughing)

I, I can be surrounded by all of life, and If and when I choose, be surrounded by all of that life and at the same time. I can feel quietly wonderfully, warmly at home in myself. In whichever and any space, I am then inhabiting, and now, in those nows, inhabiting.

Maybe that's how, maybe that's how all of those places that look to be outside of me are, are indeed my home, are, indeed, our homes.

This, this craft in space hurtling around the sun, being hurtled around by the moon, this craft of ours upon which, within which, reside, we, you, I, and all that's out there, that golden to white moon, that beaming star that feeds us with light and bright and heat, and gave us our form as stardust, we are all, part of us. The body part of us came from the stars. Not just this one, all of them. Hmm.

Well, dear one, well, dear ones. I think that's a beautiful place for me to say…

I'm... so glad we're here.

I'm so glad my heartbeat has been joining in
as once again my phone's been on my chest during all of this
so as to let you into my heart
in both word and
budda ba dum
budda ba dum
budda ba dum
budda ba dum…

Until next time, be well.

Much love,
Emma

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support can be made here.
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Hi. This is me. This is me, a reflection of you.

This is me, here in this morning, this morning with the world flowing by out the window.

It's not really flowing out the window like water out of a tap, or like flowing in through the window, in through the window, being captured by this microphone just like my voice is, this voice is, this here is.

For here, for here, for here… here is where I am, here is where this reflection of you, of us, of all, is.

This, this here, and just like before, just like the last time, and the all time, and the every times I speak, I sound, I say out loud, when I talk out loud, when I let this voice out through my mouth, through vocal cords, through cords that are allowing me to vocalize… vocalized, localize… I'm localizing my thoughts through these chords. I can localize my thoughts through these vocal chords.

When I first realized that this simple, this simple act of speaking, talking, singing, sharing through my mouth, this act of, for the most part, if not exclusively, breathing out while, while, while what?

I can breathe out and not make any or much sound and not cause the chords of vocalization to vibrate.

You know, I know, we know, we're told, we're told, we're told that all things are vibratory, all things are vibrations. We're told that all things are frequencies, are frequential, are frequently vibrational vocalizations.

There's that thrumming, there's a thrumming, thrumming… I may not be using the word in a strictly dictionarial way.

There's a tingling, there's a tingling that I've noticed throughout my entire body for several years now. It's like... I feel shimmery, I feel... I feel like I'm feeling the blood flowing through my veins and arteries, all the like millions and trillions and google gazillions of blood vessels and cells and, and atoms.

Good old atom weaving and Eve'ing its way through, and in, and of, and about, and and and, and I was speaking about, I was speaking about vocal cords and how when I speak, begin in my vocal cords, move from my vocal cords through my body.

They're saying, they're moving. When, when I say a word there's a fraction of a moment, a fraction of a second wherein I feel that vibration move from my vocal cords to the tips of my fingers, to the tips of my toes, and that, that difference in distance, I'm guessing that difference in distance between the vocal cords and the end of my fingers, and the vocal cords and the end of my toes, and the vocal cords and my nose and all other parts of my body, the differences in distances have me capable, or have me noticing the the vibration hitting these endpoints in me, hitting these all points in me in, in different moments in time…

I kind of have a picture of… if a ball is thrown at a wall and the wall is quite far away, the ball leaves my hand and takes that span of time through the air before it hits the wall. And if I have another ball and I throw it at another wall, and that wall is a little closer, well, if thrown at the same speed as the first ball then it's going to hit its wall a little sooner than the first ball, and if I were to throw more walls at more balls, and those are at different distances, then all those balls are going to hit their walls at all the (laughter) at all their different timeframes…

All their different moments. (brrr-purring) All the different (brrr-purring) balls hitting walls (brrr-purring) (laughter) That feels really good (laughter)… Ahhh.

The day I realized that, that I can sense, that I can feel, that I can notice that my awareness has this capacity to differentiate, or feel the differentiation, to feel the different moments in time wherein the vibrations that begin at my vocal cords hit the edges of my body, hit the cells on the way to the edges of my body, and it's almost like they're reflected back.

So all those balls thrown out and hitting walls come back or out or through, or in or around or all of those things, for if you throw the ball at a slightly different angle than straight ahead, it's going to bounce not right back at me but perhaps to Ted or Sue or Mary or all the other folks and people in the place where the balls are (laughter)… Ahhh

This recording is a bit of a test.

I think I started at around 730 in the morning, and that seems, this seems, this seems to be a time of day, this seems to be a time of day when things have begun… things have already begun to happen, and I have this beautiful open window and I'm about 12 stories up, and outside my window is a busier part of the city.

The clanks and car and other sounds that come through, they may overpower things.

It may be that this time of day is not really an ideal one for doing this kind of recording. I almost immediately imagined, felt was true, though I think I can loosen that imagining.

The imagining was that in this recording you won't be able to hear my heartbeat because once again my phone is on my chest, and the reason for it, specifically, is so thatI can let you into my heart in a very real and palpable and vibrational way.

I've heard it said that the, the electromagnetic or some aspect of the heartbeat extends out from us for several feet.

It may be that that's part of the vibe that is felt by people when people are amongst people.

What if part of the vibe that is offered, that is available for and to us as people can be shared with the simple act of sharing our heartbeats in a vibrational way.

And I know it's subtle. I know it's soft. I listened to that first episode a couple times yesterday. Once with the headphones and once just through the speaker on my computer, and I loved that the ba-da-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-dum, ba-da-ba-dum of me made it to you, makes it to you.

It's probably the, my most favourite part of what's happening here.

Here, here at the intersection of my now and your now, our paths are crossed. X is marking the spot. This is my here, your here… this is our here's meeting.

What fun is that? What an absolute...

The word that came to mind, it seems a little strong but I'm going to say it anyways, it's, it's kind of miraculous. I watch other people on TV and movies. I hear other people in YouTubes and other content. I, I hear and see you and what I'm seeing and hearing is you in your now while I'm in my now.

That's fascinating. Like I mean, I, it's just occurring to me right now… when I'm watching a television show or a movie or oftentimes say YouTube content, let's stick with the TV and the movies for now just to keep it simple… if these offerings aren't live then they're, it's quite possible that they're highly edited.

This scene was done in this moment of time, and this moment of time, in this moment of time, in this moment of time, because we kind of did the scene four or five or 50 times, just to get the right look, just to get that right moment of you expressing yourself in the way that you, and the director and your co-actors and your just you, you put it all in there and in this scene.

This part of it was like yeah let's match that with this part from another scene, and this, and you pieced it all together, someone edited and pieced it all together and then it comes to me, and everyone else who has access through whatever medium it's being expressed in, and all of those different nows, for you arrive in my now, which to me is singular, and maybe, I mean I guess it's also singular from you, for the scene I'm watching of you can only be occurring in my now, in one moment, this moment.

(laughter) I feel myself getting tangled up in time (laughter) but in a, in a loose way. It's a loose tangling. It's a dangle, gangle, wiggle, woggle, woo, with me swirling, swaying, twisting with you.

We're like kelp in a kelp forest waving around, waving and floating and swimming.

There's a part of me that really wants to go, like, scuba diving through a kelp forest. Like I just, it just seems so incredible to me… these strands of kelp attached to the sea floor, rising sometimes 10, 20, 30 more feet up toward the surface of the water, so it's like, it's like the kelp is, is dangling upwards.

If you've got long hair and you bend over, your hair is going to fall down. It's going to dangle down around your face and sway in a breeze, if there is one, but the ends of your hair, the tips of your hair will be down towards the centre of the earth, toward our gravitational centre, at least our localized one, for the gravitational centre of our solar system is our sun, but the gravitational centre of our Earth is here. And the gravitational center of the Moon is, well the centre of the Moon-ish.

I think it depends on the densities (laughter).

But kelp, kelp in the water they dangle up (laughter).It's just so, it's so interesting to imagine I'm a, I'm a, I'm in a kelp field right now in the water. I mean, I don't know if kelp fields exist anywhere else other than water, but let's just...

I'm there in my mind already and I don't even have scuba gear. I'm just like, I'm just like a fish. Just kinda like arcing my body, bending my body and swimming and going and weaving in and out of the kelp as the kelp weaves in and out of the water that surrounds it, it just feels, it feels so, so limp and loose and languid. It feels so slip and slide and slithering

If I were a great big snake in the water slithering through kelp fields
I could enter between these two pieces of kelp
and then my head enters and keeps going through two different pieces of kelp
while the other parts of me are still moving through the previous pieces of kelp.

And the balls are bouncing on the walls and coming back and not coming back, and all of this is happening right here. It's all happening right here. It's all happening right here, and I've noticed sometimes… and now I'm noticing that bird chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp. There have been a few birds out there today. Hmm… yeah, this is a test.

This video... Video? Who's videoing? Is somebody videoing? Well... I mean... the walls are being able to see me. The window can see me. All the other parts in the room that I can see can see me, whether or not they're attached to recording devices.

I think they are because the Akashic Record, that so-called record of all that is and all that was and all that will be, and in some people's minds, mine included (I've chosen), all that Will happen is happening, has happened, and all the me's that can be, are me, are being, and so no, there's no, there's no like human made video capture device recording this moment.

There doesn't need to be.

This is enough. This is enough.

And this test may never get to you. When I listen to it, if I realize that the sounds coming in the window, the sounds coming through the window, the vibrations of that machine that's going beep beep beep, the vibrations of this car and that car, and well, all sorts of cars and motorcycles and trucks and things… clanking and jingle janking… if I really, if it feels like… if it feels like to me that these sounds are just a little too much, well then then this recording may not get to you, and there have been a lot of me's that would be really disappointed in that, but this me now and a lot of the newer me's, I can imagine the me's coming up, well, they're gonna be like this me in that it's okay.

It's okay if this never reaches you the way the previous entry, the previous episode, the previous recording reached you in the future.

Perhaps you'll go back and listen again as I'm going to this one.

Maybe I'm not going to worry about it.

There have been versions of me who have thrilled thinking of recording and letting it out raw even to the point of me not even listening to it first. I mean, if you and I were sitting over a coffee or a tea or a field of daisies, and we were sharing one-on-one, well, if I say something I don't have the opportunity of first listening to it before it arriving in your ears, in your realm in your body as vibrations.

It just goes straight from me to you, and you to me, and you to me, and me to you, and me to you, and you to me, and you to me, and me to you, and me to you, and you to me, and you to me…

And maybe both at the same time because if we are singing in time, or in tune or in time, or in tune or in time, or tune or time or tune or time… if we're singing together then the balls that we're throwing are arriving at each other at the same time, at the same time, in the same time, does it even matter which words I'm using because the vibrations (gibberish)… ahhh… Not all the vibrations have to be words.

Whew, I, I kind of learned that back in the COVID days. Back in the COVID days I found myself, found myself lying in bed one day on my side, and for whatever reason I clenched my butt muscles, and then released them, and clenched the butt muscles and released them, and the body kind of, kind of wiggles when you do that.

The clenching and unclenching of my butt muscles kind of acted like the sounds from my vocal cords in that the clenching and unclenching rippled throughout my legs and knees and feet and the rest of me, and when I clenched and unclenched, and clenched and unclenched, and clenched unclenched, one after the other, my body started to ripple and when I added in vocalizing, when I added in making sounds (sounds) while, while my body was rippling, it became like a meditation.

It was a prayer without words. It was a song without words.

These were, these were me emanating, emanating vibrationally in a different way than I'd ever done before.

And it turned out, it turns out that I really, really, like it.

You've heard a lot of words. I've said a lot of words today and other days and probably in more days to come, and I like words, and at the same time they're, they're all little traps. They're all little… they all have the capacity… I don't need to 'is' anything.

They all seem to have the capacity to either have very rigid meanings in a singular sense or, or kind of slippery meanings in that they can mean this or they can mean that or they can mean something else. They can mean all sorts of things and the meaning is only graspable, is only knowable through ,tone, or volume, or speed, or what word comes before it, or what word comes after it, or maybe what words come before and after.

All of these things affect the definitions, the meanings, the meanings of words, whereas a sound (gibberish)… What does that mean to you? Well that's the fun part. What that means to you might not even take the form of words, and what it means to you might be different than to you, and to you, and to them, and to us and to... It just, it opens it up. It opens it up

It's why I'm drawn to make more abstract art, drawings, whatever, than, than non-abstract. I can draw a face, or a mountain, or a car, or a ball, and try to convey to you the specifics, or some specifics, or, or a specific about those things. But even in my trying to convey something specific to you through that drawing, you're going to see it differently because you have the capacity to see those drawings, through all the life that you've lived, through all the vibrating that you've been doing from the time you were a single cell and perhaps before, all the way to now when you're listening to this, all the way to now when you're seeing the drawing or the painting.

We all get to see those things. We all get to feel, we all get to sense those things that come into our realms through all the filters that we've collected and gathered and made consciously and unconsciously throughout our lives.

Well dear one, whether you get to hear this or not it has been so lovely to share, to let out what seemed to want to be let out, and here we are.

Your now and mine, colliding, connecting, crossing, X marks the spot.

And surely this feels like treasure to me.

Thanks. Know that I love you. Know that I believe that you love me, 'cause I think we all are reflections of each other, and deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I actually think we are all one and the same.

Much love,
Emma

If you’ve enjoyed this offering,
support is welcome here.
✾ ❤️ ✾

Headphones recommended.

You’ll hear my heartbeat, body sounds, fridge hum, story, song — and be invited to attend The Debutante’s Ball.

p.s. In this recording I say “all the plays are free all the time” on Bandcamp. Since then, I’ve changed my mind. Now there are 3 free listens, and after that a high-quality download is available for $7 CAD.

✾ ∞ ✾

Listen to The Debutante’s Ball below, or click the link to be taken to the album page on Bandcamp.

If you’ve enjoyed this offering, support is welcome here.
✾ ❤️ ✾

this is a space to share my movements through life
physical, emotional and spiritual, as a being of light in human form

the way i feel it
we are constantly in a state of falling toward pulls of greater gravity

and by we i mean all that exists
whether we are a piece of paper
slipped from a hand
or a galaxy
or an electron

i think we’re constantly falling
into the ever-present pulls
in some direction or other
not necessarily straight down
but down none-the-less to the centre
to the gravity of all pulling this way and that

✾ ⭐️ ✾

it’s only been in the last decade wherein i’ve allowed my attention to shift
to feeling my bodily sensations and emotionality
separately and together, to seeing and feeling
to noticing and feeling, again and again and again
these sensations of my body, mind, and spirit
more like clouds and weather in a sky than hurdles and boulders in my way
more like elements in my field of perception that forever change
will be cast again and again, bringing more clouds and more clarity
more wind and rain, torrential and cleansing
like this now, like that then, like something else in each moment
arising as they do, as they will, again and again

i choose to arise as i do, as i will, again and again
i choose to awaken as i do, as i will, again and again
i choose to allow this remembering of source self unfold

there is more joy in this kind of memory
less struggle
there is using the push and pull of current to move, to steer
toward the next magical part of the ride
less grrrr, more ahhhhhhhhh

so, in this last decade’ish
myriad small shifts
noticed, chosen
noticed, felt
noticed, let be and felt fully
have created a realignment within myself
and the ripples that my interactions now make
in the great cosmic pool
feel good to me and those around me
almost all of the time

it may not feel easy sometimes
but i’m learning it can be done with ease

✾ ❤️ ✾

feel free to dive in and experience many of these changes in course
and wherever you dive is ok
these things will not be presented
nor need not be read in the order they happened

think of them as brief conversations
my side at least
with the trees and wind and you
with all that we are

feel free to share the feeling of these ripples back to me
a continuation of the conversation in an ever-expanding form

you are welcome in my world
and i am grateful for you in mine

much love,
Emma

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